Sugary Sweet Delusions of Grandeur

Sunday Evening

2010-03-28T23:30:00.006-04:00

I feel like writing, but I don't have anything sound to say. I don't have any witty repartee, or insightful words of experience. I was just sitting here, listening to my brand new Monica CD, and I thought I'd share two of my favorite things about buying this CD.

1. I absolutely love this picture of her lying in a sea of books. Sometimes, I think I write because I'm a loud mouth, and simply need an outlet for my loud mouthiness,(I think I've used up all of my listening points with friends and family) but after looking at this picture of her lying there, I really wish it were me. I realized how much I love words and the greatness of authors, and I want to be in the midst of them, if only in that way. As a little girl, I read everything I could get my hands on, I read because I was an outcast, and not the good Andre 3000 kind. I was just shy, friendless, and a member of a pretty big family, so I needed to escape my world at times. Later, I learned the power of words, and the beauty of knowledge. Eventually, learning to string the two together released me from my shyness, and transformed my feelings of alienation, to proud uniqueness. I don't read the way I used to, not because I no longer love it, or enjoy it immensely, but because I have no reason to escape my life. These days I find my life, believe it or not, ridiculously enjoyable...which leads me to my second point.

2. I LOVE and I mean love, love, love the song Love All Over Me. Whew, I think I just won the award for the most unnecessary use of love in a sentence. Anyways, this song just makes me feel good. Mainly, because I feel this way about my SO, and about where I am as a person in my life. The funny thing is, I don't just mean love as in the mushy-gushy love everyone thinks of when a person talks of being in love. It isn't really easy to explain what I mean, but in general, I guess I just feel when you have someone in your life who loves you in the way he loves me, and I love him, you exude that in life. I don't necessary spend a lot of time on the phone talking to friends and family like I should, but I think the time I do give to others is so much more genuine and filled with a deeper concern, care and feeling. I feel myself being a nicer, or maybe just better person. I've only been in love this once, and I suppose when you experience the goodness and unselfishness of a person in this way, it helps to restore a little more faith in people as a whole. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Anyways, I was just thinking and I felt like sharing, so, I hope you get something from it and enjoy the 2-3 minutes left in your Sunday evening/Monday morning.

Telese

Mommy and Me

2010-03-26T16:01:00.004-04:00

As with most little girls, I had a favorite doll. She was a Hugga Bunch doll. Confused? Okay, check the pic, and meet me back here...I'll wait... **Jeopardy theme plays** Okay, familiar? Cool. Hugga Bunch dolls were plush and soft, which for me, was great. As a result of me carrying around a soft and cuddly blanket for most of my childhood, I loved anything soft and warm. (Insert your obligatory Linus jokes here). As little Telese, I would even wrap myself in the fur coats in the stores. Well, at least, until the sales people found and promptly returned me to my mother.

**Side note**: If anyone ever is inclined to purchase a fur for moi, I will firmly and gratefully agree to proclaim "FUCK PETA" in return, please and thank you **End Side note**

However, what I seemed to love most about Tweaker (What?...that was her name..I didn't make it up...that's the name she came with...armband and all) is, she came with a baby of her own. Not only did I get to play Mommy to one doll, but I got to play Mommy to TWO DOLLS!! YES!!!! In reality, I suppose I was also playing Grandma, since I would of course teach her to take care of her baby. However, baby or not, they were BOTH required to ride in my stroller. Now, I have no idea whether this was a responsible toy or not, but what I do know is, as a little girl, if you'd have asked me why I enjoyed playing Mommy so much, or even why I'd one day want to become a Mommy, I wouldn't have had an answer. Furthermore, if I had have had an answer, at best it would have involved something along the lines of me, wanting to "love her, hold her, and play with her".

I was recently thinking about the reason most adult women want to have children, and after asking a few women and myself for that matter, I, for the most part, came across more elaborate ways of saying, "I want to love her, hold her and play with her"

**Side note Part Deux**: Just to be clear I say her, not because I think I have no potential to produce boys, but because as little girls we usually have girl dolls...and because you know, we're made of sugar and spice and everything nice;-) **End Side note Part Deux**

In reality, the reason majority of people have children, usually, derives from purely selfish and vain reasons. Most people want to have someone around to take care of them when they get old, someone who will love them unconditionally or sometimes it's just because it's what we believe we are suppose to do. It really got me thinking about why I would want to have children. And, yeah a lot of my reasons are for my own benefit, in fact they all are. The longer I ponder the thought in search of unselfish reasons, the more I'm not sure if I am suppose to be anybody's mother, so I just assume to leave it up to God to decide. I do know this though, the one reason however, which is most prominent for me, is for the experience.

I have no idea why God placed me on this Earth, I have trouble daily trying to figure out the reason, along with wrapping my mind around the idea that I may never know. So, to soothe my soul, I've learned to accept the thought that my journey, is a lot more important than my goal. To make the journey more fulfilling, I try to grasp hold of every experience, and squeeze every drop of goodness from it. All experiences, typically, come with sweetness and sadness, so I wouldn't expect anything to be all sugar plums and cherry candy canes. But, I do know, I'd hate to pass up an experience as miraculous as growing a life within my body, hearing someone call me Mommy, teaching another to appreciate life in the way I do, or simply leaving a living, breathing record on this Earth of the woman I am, if God wanted to bless me with such an ability to do so.

Red Kisses and Chocolate Hearts

2010-02-13T12:36:00.004-05:00

As it seems, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, now I never miss a legitimate opportunity to write up a music post, and we all know Valentine's Day is slow jam, mix tape heaven.(or hell depending on your sweetie's musical taste)So, I decided even though I have already posted today, today's going to be a double play, and we're going to do it again. But, instead of going with the slow jams, I thought I would take you on a journey of my favorite upbeat/mid-tempo-ish love songs. Since they always make me smile, I thought I'd try them on you. In no particular order I think we'll start with....

I Found Lovin'-Fatback Band

Some of you may know it, some of you may not. Hell, I know it and I'm proud, I gotta show my age sometimes. If nothing else, you can say you recognize it from Brown Sugar, and therefore save face on the 30 plus jokes...but you know, that we know that you know, we know...lol!

Kiss You Back-Digital Underground

Back in the days of teenage Telese, love songs weren't exactly on my radar, but a Hip Hop love song....Ooooo...I LOVED it. So, something like Kiss You Back was definitely the right move for a girl like me, plus if you play with my feet, I will tickle your tummy ;-)

PYT-Michael Jackson

If you want to lie to my face, and tell me you don't love this song, then maybe I'll write a reason for including it. Until then, no explanation necessary, just take it to the dance floor...or your bathroom mirror...whatever works for you:-) By the way, Baby Be Mine works for this category as well, so I shall include it too:-)

A Night To Remember-Shalamar

I think this is one of those, so dance floor worthy, most people don't even know what the song is about, everybody just remembers dancing all hard, because you're loving the beat. Nobody would probably classify this as a love/sex song if you asked, simply because they can only recall sweating their hair out to it on the dance floor at somebody's wedding. And this would be the reason, for it making the list.

When Love Calls-Atlantic Starr

I just LOVE this SONG!!!...That is all.

Never Too Much-Luther Vandross

You know, I'm not even a huge Luther fan, but even I know, whether it be slow or fast, a list of love songs just isn't complete without Luther. Again, to the dance floor.

Well, there you have it folks, short and simple, not a lot of talking, just embrace the joy in the music and Valentine's Day. Even if you're single, Valentine's Day is about love of all kinds, so hope you all enjoy the day. With that being said, I'll leave you with an actual Valentine song I found myself suprised I really liked.

Valentine-Ryan Leslie

Maybe One Day It Will All Make Sense...

2010-02-13T11:03:00.003-05:00

As a single girl, I never went to the movies much; I would see a million trailers for movies, sparking and tickling all kinds of fancies, however, I never made it a priority to fulfill those flights of fancy. Two hours in the same spot, just seemed like way too much of a commitment for me at the time. You know, there have been many times, I swear, I honestly have entertained the idea I may have ADD. Nope, I don't mean Adult ADD, I mean plain ole childhood ADD, because for the most part, I've realized I am SO not the grown up I thought I was going to be. As the years go buy, I actually think I just get younger in spirit, kinda of like an spiritual, character, personality kind of Benjamin Buttons.(At least that's what I told myself when I yelled out "McDonald's", in my best Eddie Murphy in RAW voice, at my Big Mac the other night) Any who, back to what I was saying (see, what did I tell you!! A-D-D!!), it was maybe about a year ago when my beautiful baby sis gloriously informed me I could watch movies, still in theaters and otherwise, on the internet, FOR FREE!!!.(YESSSS!!!..**HAAAAPPPYY DANCE**) Since then, I have made it official business to rewind the time, and see some of those movies, I refused to donate my Benjamins, Lincolns and/or Washingtons to.

So, this morning I decided to watch Julie and Julia. If you've never heard of it, it's a duel true story about Julia Child, as well as, a woman named Julie Powell, who turned her blog into a career as a writer. Between watching the movie, then reading a comment from a friend, who told me I'd inspired her to began a blog, and simply being asked more than once the actual question, I have been thinking, what actually is the purpose of my blog? You know maybe I should define what it is I am doing here.

Lots of people use blogs as a marketing tool, which others, many others I might add, have decided (without my input of course) should be my purpose as well. However, when I sit down to write, I can't do it. I can not write with others in mind. I find it hard to worry about what someone may think of the image I portray. I love you if you're reading (more than you could ever know), but I think in the end, it would be best if I stick to pleasing me. (You know for legal purposes and such)

I mean,I absolutely refuse to write about every pop culture event, which, some how finds it's way into "breaking news", especially considering the fact I think most of those celebrity jerks are just that...JERKS!! Yes, MJ passed, and my musical heart moved me to write about him, that's cool. However, I will NOT torture my fingers into typing about an adulterous, animal-named, "Cablasian", simply because every one else is. I could give two damns and seven fucks about him. So, if there is no gossip to be found here and I am not going gung-ho at making myself famous, then why is it that I do this? Well, I decided, I really don't have any better answer than, I like it.

Yep, I like it!! I write to get things out. I write sometimes, to put my favorite thoughts and pics in one place. I write to exercise the need God has placed into my soul to create...something. I don't believe God puts thoughts or ideas in our head to lie dormant, they are meant to be shared and possibly spark something in someone else. So, I guess I went through all of those many words and phrases to say, "Ion wanna make sense". I don't need to define this space. If you like what I have to say, you win a bazillion hugs and kisses, but there will probably never be a regular schedule of post or topics here, as it is nothing more, but absolutely nothing less, than my sugary sweet delusions of grandeur.=)

Consort, Escort and Court...

2010-01-05T22:07:00.002-05:00

I can absolutely remember the day, the image is so vivid in my mind, there is not a person walking this planet who would not believe it did not happen yesterday, if they were able to see the illustration beaming within my thoughts. It was one of my worst dates ever! It started off normal enough, he called, there was small talk, followed by an invitation to dinner and a movie. I knew this guy, he had graduated from a neighboring high school and his ex-girlfriend worked in Detroit Metro Airport as I did, (No we weren't friends, well at least not then, bonded later)so sure a date sounded cool. He picked me up and the conversation went a little like this:

Pathetic Date: "So what do you want to do?".

Me: "Huh?, (If you didn't quite catch it...I'm confused) I thought we were going to a movie?"

More Pathetic Date: "Oh Okay, cool...I just need to stop by the house to get something"

Me: "No problem"

Arrival at the house

Even More Pathetic Date: "Why don't you come in, I have to make a phone, (I'm old, so this is pre-cell phones and sort of made sense) and then we can go"

Me: (annoyance building) "Alright"

Most Pathetic Date: "I actually came home to look for my wallet, and I don't know where it is, so, why don't we just watch something here"

Okay, by now the angry face is firmly on, and to make a long story short, he pops in some lame movie, after I clearly state I would rather go home, and then proceeds to whine about his ex-girlfriend during the entire two hour movie. He called her a bitch, gold-digger, hell you name, he probably said it. Finally, when the movie is over he attempts to paw me, or maybe it's hoof me (he wasn't exactly a looker), which immediately prompted my very own evening episode of Tourettes, and him deciding it was a good idea to go ahead and take me home.

Now, I haven't exactly had some of the most excruciatingly bad dates some other women have had, however, the experience above and another encounter, which involved being yelled at for removing the breading I did not want, off of the shrimp in which I had no clue was breaded when I ordered it (I don't like to send food back if it's still edible...no spitting in my food, please and thank you), don't exactly qualify as dream dates. But, with that being said I have to say I have also had some absolutely wonderful dating experiences, which didn't include me wasting a little time to get a free meal or him trying to get ass. (Well maybe that was the eventual goal but I guess the class odometer was turned up to high on those nights)

Now, these fun little anecdotes down memory lane began swirling around in my head as a result of a few conversations and faceboook status', in which a few friends informed me, they hate dating. I suppose as we get older and the goal becomes a long term relationship, instead of a one night stand, the monotony of repetitive questions and answers while "getting to know" someone who may not even last three months is becoming less and less appealing. So, I got to thinking and wondered, is there a cookie cutter version of a what makes a great date or is it all some major form torture?

My best dates have included lots of conversation (so movies are out), some sort of physical activity (no not that kind!!) and just an all around feeling of comfort. (which last time I checked wasn't very expensive) So, folks today I guess I'm looking for a little feedback, or you can at least "talk amongst yourselves" about the subject, but really am I just that simple and laid back or is dating really so bad?

The Soul and the Mate

2010-01-03T23:52:00.009-05:00

On this chilly Sunday evening, thousands, maybe millions of single women, after church, gym and one to many Bellini's at brunch with their best girlfriends, walked into an empty home. Although I am not one of those women, more so because of the boyfriend and not a lack of love for Bellini's or brunch, I am not too far removed to remember. I remember how some days turning that small copper key felt as if I'd entered a red velvet cake room with no calories, carbs or fat, and others..well just imagine a perpetual naked wall slide down a highly textured shattered glass fence. On those lonely days, I imagined the day when a man would be waiting for me with a warm embrace, passionate kisses and an illuminating smile. He was my perfect match. From physical to mental to emotional, this imagine was the ideal, yet I never thought of whomever this man may be under the guise of "soulmate".

Tonight, while watching one of my many Sex in the City DVD's (yes I have the whole series, courtesy of my NY besties as a Happy Birthday to me moment) the term soulmates came up, and I started to think about whether or not I actually believe in the term. I mean really, think about it, there are close to seven billion people walking this planet, and with those numbers I don't know if it makes sense to subscribe to the a belief that there is only one other person on this planet who likes tickling, "bum" days and vulgar song lyrics. No?...just me? **shrugs** Oh, well.

The more I think about the concept, I wonder if the idea was put into rotation to make old maids and eternal bachelors feel, despite their failed relationships and Saturday nights filled with Moo-Shoo Pork, Plum Wine and SNL, that special someone is still out there. There are people who have lived wonderfully full lives without being married, or having children. Get this, it IS possible. I am far from reaching for the some level of singleless smug here, however, I think it is a lot healthier to accept the possibility, your life, may not one day include a spouse. I don't think any one wants to be alone forever, hell, we all appreciate a little companionship from time to time. Still, is it better to find a comfort and solace with the wonders which are of your own personal world, or continually question why you just are so unlucky to have unintentionally eluded the one prince charming, or damsel in distress meant for only you?

All in all, if anyone is asking, my advice would be to find some one lovable and respectful with a penchant for a few of your favorite quirks and simply attempt to make it grow. And with all of that being said I thought I'd leave you with a pretty appropriate song.

It's All a Lesson Learned

2010-01-02T16:23:00.011-05:00

On New Year's Eve, I felt a little obligated to write a little yearly wrap up, but I really didn't have anything to say. Also, since my sweetie made it home from work before the clock struck midnight, I felt it was best to leave you all to your liquor, parties and hangovers for a day or two, and enjoy my very own new beginning. So, now we're two days in and I still do not have much to say about 2009. I don't really do celebrity gossip, and I can't really give any weight loss or how to quit smoking tips, therefore in the name of all that is vain and narcissistic, I must go with tidbits about me. I was thinking about the things that I have learned from, and experienced over the past decade, and well....My name is Telese and I like to share.

1. I Got Ed-u-macated!!!!

In 2001, I graduated from Clark Atlanta University, and I must say those four years were an amazing time in my life. In 2004 I spent two years in ~~prison~~ Law school. One of the things I have come to understand about higher education is that it does not guarantee you the job or the life you planned, it merely grants access to great people, lots of information, which by the way is beyond priceless, and a small amount of direction. The final outcome, well, it really is up to you. I made some of my best friends through school, but at the moment, as far as a career goes, I am still floating on a wing and a prayer. However, I am happy, and wouldn't trade my life or my CAU/Cooley experiences for anything in the world. Money was a huge motivator in the life I was chasing, however, I realized my journey at least for now, is to get way more enjoyment from sitting in front of my computer with honey infused green tea, boring you folks with my rants, while blasting The Jackson 5....maybe one day the two separate entities of money and enjoyment shall meet, until then....**in my Michael Jackson voice**..."C'mon,C'mon,C'mon let me show you what it's all about...ABC!!!"

2. What Up Doe,Blood? How You Livin, Shawdy....

What? The slanguage above making absolutely no sense to you? Well I have heard it all, mainly because within the last 10 years, I moved a total of 7 times, within four states. I began the decade in Lithia Springs, GA, then it was back to the home front in Wayne, MI, followed by Lansing, MI; Lakeview Terrance, CA, a short 3 week stint back in Wayne, MI, then off to New York, NY where I had a traumatizing experience with la cucarachas, which prompted the move to Bronx, NY, and finally back to Atlanta, GA...SHAAAWWDY!! Whew!!!...I feel winded just typing that mess. However, what I love is that I can say I tried and tested without second guessing myself. There were places I wanted to be, things I wanted to try, and instead of wondering about the "what ifs" and the "hows", I just did it. I didn't think too hard, I just followed my heart. I learned I have more courage than I ever thought would surround my soul. When I lost almost every possession I owned and was given a $2000 check to replace it all (not from FEMA but FedEx), I took the only money I had and moved. Without a job, to an unseen apartment, in one of the hardest cities in this country, in which it takes to survive, I just moved. It was what I needed to do for me, and I made it for three years. I know that may sound lame to some, but it is one of the things I feel is my greatest accomplishments thus far. It reminds me no matter how low I feel or how bad things are, with faith, I can rise, with God and no one else, I have the strength to rise. I don't think anything is more important or fulfilling than to have that kind of faith and belief in ones self, it turns a whole new corner in life when you reach such a milestone. By the way, the long line of photos are as follows: Detroit, Los Angeles, New York and Atlanta.

3. LOL:-)

You can't tell me this isn't hilarious!!

Finally, while living in New York which spans from 2006-2009 with the help of two Joi/y's, I learned what it means to approach life with more than a tiny inkling of optimism. With all the courage I have in other aspects of my life, I am more than a wimp when it comes to hope and positivity. I have many times opted for pessimism under a shield of realism, which I even found myself doing as recently as last night. I don't think it means I haven't learned to view a glass as half full, it just means I am still a work in progress, and I can recognize a personal flaw. I think it's progress in my particular level of optimism to even recognize that train of thought, and believe it can be overcome. Hey, I'm trying here:-). Learning from the ladies in my life to push past the pessimism, which was really just fear, lead me to some one who taught me how to love, and follow it (all the way back to Atlanta;-)). I learned to elect the optimistic view, which all three of these people possess, and schooled me to, does not always get you everything on those life lists, but it damn sure makes the journey feel more like candy kisses than sucker punches...lol!! You like my corny don't you?...hell who goes to NY and gets happy...me that's who!...lol!!

Happy New Year!!!

Because Love Has Plenty of Color.....

2009-12-19T18:02:00.012-05:00

It seems as if lately, everywhere I look I see the story about Helena Andrews and her "Bitch is the New Black" book. I am fairly fresh aboard the relationship yacht, and maybe not qualified to make any comments in the eyes of more than a few ladies, but I believe there are other major reasons why Miss Andrews is single. By the way, those reasons are far from anything in line with being Black, intelligent, and accomplished. Initially, I was all gung-ho about giving my detailed take on this issue, but instead because Christmas is close and I'm feeling the cheer, I decided to prevent my smile from becoming a frown with the above topic, and go the opposite route. So, instead, I am giving a rundown of my favorite black couples, past, present, fiction and fact. Enjoy!

1. Nina Mosley and Darius Lovehall (Nia Long and Larenz Tate)

Don't you cut your eyes at me! I said there was going to be some fiction in the mix, regardless of them being ficitional, I love them. Nina and Darius were the first time, as a teenager, I'd seen love in the mist of the artistic and the black. I was in love. I am a sucker for people with talent, and I loved the writer/photographer mix. The eclectic taste each one had in music, dance, and art, along with the way they were able to share that with each other, set the blueprint for what I knew I was looking for in a lifelong companionship.

2. Michelle and Barack Obama

I mean seriously, how can you not love them?!? In the midst of black women being bombarded with terms like bitch, hoe, and busdown, a relationship like this makes me feel like the little black ladies in my life have a real shot at this being their reality. Just as the Obamas have young daughters, other couples exactly like them have young sons. Sons who witness a man being respectful, affectionate, and humorous with the woman he loves. Sons that will likely carry on a legacy of beautiful, loving, black, families that make us all proud and nostalgic at the same time.

3. Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee

If you are a black person who is older than 10 years old, you really should know who Ossie and Ruby are, if not, well, I think you need to go stand in the corner and knock about 10 points off your blackness. This couple has fought for our civil rights, acted in several movies, and Broadway productions, all while remaining husband and wife. I am sure a couple like this has gone through their share of ups, downs, and turn-arounds after almost 60 years of years of marriage, but their love and respect for each other came shining through until Ossie's death. Mmmmhmmm....I think all youngsters should take note!

4. James and Toni Thomas

Don't know them? Really? Well I guess you wouldn't. They aren't celebrities, on a reality show, or the couple that snuck into the state dinner at the White House, BUT, they will sooner or later become my in-laws. I will always be grateful to this couple for bringing a certain someone into my life, however, it's not why I think they are a great example of black love. Their humor with one another is the cutest, they seem to enjoy the simplest things with one another, and they are about as talkative as me, okay maybe that's not relevant but I sure do like it.;-)

5. Joi Jackson and Kirk Hamm

Now, I could tell you I love them because they are a CAU alumni couple, and no other explanation would be needed, but that wouldn't be the entire the truth. Instead, I guess I can clue you into this being one of best friends, and her boyfriend, who I also count as a friend. This couple truly defines what it means to have, not just a relationship, but a friendship. They laugh, joke, share, and love the way you see couples do but, also in the way best friends do. The growth of their relationship, level of comfort and easy conversations are always, and I mean always, smile-worthy.

6. Candace and Rudy Paul

She is my cousin, and he went to high school with me, however I never even knew they knew one another, shows how much I know...lol! Upon first glance, these two appear as an "opposites attract" type of pair. He is pretty talkative (He and I can definitely keep a room from ever encountering silence...lol), she's quieter. He is interactive, she is reserved. However, when you listen, they are both light-hearted and youthful at heart. They truly seem to enjoy each others company. She still even cracks a slight smile with light in her eyes at the sound of his name, probably without even realizing it. The inner workings of their relationship are slightly mysterious to me, which actually makes me smile, because it was how our grandparents were. They didn't always tell you much but you knew they loved each other, which means I think I see nothing but the best ahead for Rudy and Candy-Pants (Lol!...I just like to call her that...lol!).

7. Earline and Robert Calloway

Nope, no mistake, I choose my parents. Yes, they are divorced, but I guarantee that you have never seen a love like this. My parents were married for, including separation time (about 3 or 4 years), somewhere around 27 years. It doesn't make much sense to many people, why after so long, they would decide to call it quits, but in reality some things just don't last forever, and for them it was time. It was a relationship where there was lots of love, and good times, but in the end, they were two very different people. I love and loathe many things about their relationship, but I learned from them. I learned how to give something all you've got, what to do, and what not to do to make it last. After all these years, I believe there are no other people on this planet who knows them as well as they know each other. Somethings will always be between them, which is why between those things, and four children, their friendship is still alive. For the previously stated reason, among others, I'll always be proud that as Joi (the singer, not my friend) said "When I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of a love that lives through me".

8. Telese Calloway and Damon Thomas

Stop shaking your head! If you know anything about me, you knew I was going to do it. *clears my throat* Finally, my favorite black couple of all time is....Me and my boyfriend!!..Lol! I think it's obvious why this is my favorite couple, but just to be clear, we're a combination of all the wonderful traits I admired in the couples I mentioned previously. The couples above laid ground work, and provide insight into what I sought, as well as our future. That is why I love them, and why I love us. As the days go by, I find so much more to love within our relationship. I randomly have conversations with God thanking him for blessing me with a love of this kind. In an attempt to put a slight cap on the mushiness I'll just say I Loooovvveee me some him;-)

Well, I think that brings us to our grand closing, where I just want to say if love in it's purest and divine form has not yet found you, that does not mean that it never will. Take time to find what makes you happy, enjoy life in full, and wallow in gratitude for the blessings which are tangible to you now. When you have worked on you to The Creator's content, I am 100% sure a new blessing will be waiting for you.

On Christmas Day.....

2009-12-11T22:45:00.010-05:00

Well, I just checked the date on my last post and I had to give myself one of those "Yikes" faces. Well, I mean I can't see myself, however, I fully intend to go in the bathroom later and make the very same face in front of myself. I have a few excuses, but I'm going to go with, "it's the holidays". Now, I haven't been Christmas shopping, and I have no decorations up, but, I did cook my very first Thanksgiving. Therefore, I declare myself the right to use the excuse, and don't worry, I will. Thank you Telese. You're very welcome Telese.

Speaking of the holidays I just had a light flashing, or is it flashing...lights...**insert electric like Kanye beat and me dancing at my desk here**...Oh, I WAS writing huh?...oops, my bad...anyways, as I was saying, I just had a "lights flashing before my eyes" moment of the things I love most about Christmas. Now, I am not one of those people who claim Christmas as my favorite holiday of all time, but it's definitely up there on the list, so I thought, today ladies and gentlemen, I'd share my favorite Christmas characteristics with the wonders and likes of you. And Heeeeere we go...

1. Decorations

Now, even though I tend to be a pretty simple lady in my look, style, swag, whatever you call it, amazingly enough I love things all gaudy and gussied up. Driving down a street with rainbow-esque lights, Santa's, and a certain red-nosed reindeer gleaming off of the snow, somehow makes my day an enormous amount more cheery-smiley like.

2. Christmas(yes Christmas, because that's what I celebrate. Sorry sweetie, but we are SO not PC over here) Cheer

I know, you're probably giving your screen the Scooby-Doo "Huh" look, so let me elaborate. Have you ever noticed that during the holiday season people tend to be a tad nicer, a little more cheery, and mounds more giving/forgiving? **Nod your head yes** I have no idea if it's the memories the season brings, the anticipation of gifts, or maybe they get the same gigglies(is that a word?..oh well, it is now) I get from driving down a candy colored street. Regardless, it is much appreciated by me, most likely their co-workers who spend the rest of the year whispering "Some one needs to get laid", and their "on the verge of divorce" spouses who refuses to help them with that getting laid thing.

P.S. Have no clue what the pic has to do with Christmas cheer, but, hell I liked it.

3. Christmas Music

Really, simply because it just feels so damn good, so how about some samples:)

Yaaayyy!!! Don't you just love free samples? **Again, nod head yes**

4. Christmas Goodies

Okay, I hate to admit it but I get much joy (don't worry not "in need of some meetings" joy) from edible treats, I think it's the Taurus in me. A good meal is great, but I needs my sugar, soooo...send all cherry candy canes, eggnog, cookies, cheesecakes with strawberries, Red Velvet cakes and Godiva chocolates to my sister's apartment in Michigan, as that is where I'll be during Christmas. Oh, by the way, Shhhhhh...don't tell the boyfriend.

5. Family and Loved Ones

Finally, I am an out of town girl. I live in a city with very few members of my family and friends. The holidays are the time when I get to see everyone, my parents my sisters, my brother, my niece, nephews and friends I've had since I was 7 years old. Grinning and gigglies (yes it is a word now...see above) ensue with their warm embraces, memories of stories that began at my birth, and photographs of my face sitting on their mantles. They know my favorite songs, drinks, foods and what I'm thinking when I haven't even said a word. These are the people who hold my past, and the dreams of my future, as close to their hearts as I do. I suppose you can guess this really is my FAVORITE reason for the season. By the way this is some of them:-)

Well, I believe that concludes my list. I could come up with about a sleigh full more, but, I think I've bored you enough. So, instead I want to wish every the best of holidays, and leave you with another little tune. This one is my all time favorite, "This Christmas" by Donny Hathaway.

If I Were A Tune I'd Sound Like This.....

2009-11-11T23:17:00.005-05:00

Guess what?.....No really, guess....You give up?....Okay I'll tell you. I LOOOOOOVVVVVE MUSIC!!!! Damn, you don't look surprised...ruin MY joy why don't you...sheesh...lol! Okay, okay I know it's no secret, I'm a huge music lover. So, after writing my last post, I decided I wanted to do another post that had to do with music. Why? Because it was fun, plain and simple. Now, on my quest for topics I was reading another blog,( nope no promotion of whose it was...not in the mood for all the sisterly love and googly eyes...sue me) where the author mentioned the song she would be if she were a song. It made me think about what song I would be. The more I thought about it, the more I started to realize one song couldn't possibly encompass the sweet, lovable, annoying, silly, red wine drinking, loud talking, sugarless opinion giving, mess of a creature that is me. So, if you haven't guessed I've got "Hold on a second" **reaches in pocket and pulls out a crumpled red napkin** "A-ha!!" a list

1. N.W.A.-A Bitch Iz A Bitch

I know, I know, women everywhere right now are screaming, "Hold Up!! Flag on the mutha-fuckin' play!." But, if I'm going to keep it completely one hundred with you, I had to include it. Growing up, due to insecurities and lots of pain, I was unbelieveably mean to a number of people. I didn't smile much, and if you were not close to me, there were definitely positive elements of my personality that would only make brief appearances for you, him, and oh yeah her over there too. However, as I've matured and experienced life, I let most of who that person was fade away. However, she is a part of who I am. Because she is me, and I am her, she does make brief appearances every now and then, but she no longer dominates. Her straight shooter way of speaking remained, but I now give a hug and smile to cushion the blow. I mean you gotta keep something, even Jay said you gotta respect the shooter? *wink*

2.Jill Scott-Family Reunion

I love, love, love, MY PEOPLE!! When I say my people, I mean the Mississippi/Alabama born, Detroit bred Sommervilles and Calloways!! (I kind of like those Thomas/Bacons too, I anticipate they also may one day fall into that mix;-)) Some are Bible-toters, and others are barflys, but they are me. I am truly a family person, which is funny because I don't live near any of them. I digress. I don't give up on anyone who has my blood, you know why because I still believe even in the world we live in today blood means something. When I step across that land in Mississippi, or drive past that corner house on Waring street in Detroit, I feel the presence of people who sacrificed for me and any children I'd possibly like to have one day. People who embraced me for who I was, am, and will be. People who may talk shit about me at times, but will have my back if I just muster the courage to call. I guess Ms. Gilliam said it best, "When I look in the mirror I'm reminded of a love that lives through me"

3. The Moments-Sexy Mama

Okay I know you're thinking, "Oh shit this is where her ass gets cocky". However, it's far from it. On my first day of junior high I wore a tank top and shorts, not anything provocative for any normal chick. However, over the summer I'd gained 4th letter of the alphabet breast. The howls and the whistles after school by grown men on the street at my pre-teen body threw me off, but it was the day I realized my body wasn't the ordinary, coupled with something in my personality I still don't quite understand, men were attracted. As the days roll by, I've gotten, let's see, what's the word....thicker, a little fluffier...awww fuck it I'm fat...I am just on the edge of plus size and normal. Nevertheless, with all the weight ups and downs and insecurities dwelling inside my soul, I've rarely run into a man who doesn't use "Sexy" to describe me. I sometimes get cute, at times classy, and every leap year or so I get a beautiful, but always sexy. I know what it means to not find someone exactly beautiful/handsome but sexy, so I get it. I've never really defined how I felt about it, and it's had it's high points, better known as free admission, and it's low points, as in no one seems to throw you in the girlfriend category. After learning how to dress and reel in the flirty behavior it all worked out, and by that I mean his name is Mr. Thomas;-)

4. The Isley Brothers-Sensuality

I have always described myself as a sensual person. Before you go wallowing like pigs in the gutter, I don't exactly mean it in a sexual way, but I don't exactly mean that lover doesn't exactly fit as snug as a bug, in a glove, wrapped up in a big fluffy purple rug either. I give numerous hugs, and have been described as touchy-feely. When I say sensual, I mean I am a follower of pleasure. If I smell a cologne I like, I've been known to sit by a man so I can continue to let his fragrance intoxicate me. If the food is divine, I keep eating until my stomach says amen. If the music is good, I insert my headphones and let the melody make love to my ears. If it looks good, my eyes fixate for hours. And if it feels good, I'll indulge until the pleasure becomes pain. I've made many a decision in life on my senses, and I have a funny feeling I'm never going to stop.

5. Salt-n-Pepa- Expression

Uhhh....hello...I have this damn blog...lol! I have been known for not being able to shut up, wearing clothing ladies of the night would kill for, and ignoring all advice that does not trickle down from that thing that lives above my shoulders. I have done all of this in the name of not just being ME, but being uniquely ME. I don't care if it is an interview with the president, karokee with the homies, or brunch with the family, if you provoke it, IT WILL COME. Sometimes people appreciated my unsweetened fancies but others....weeelll...check number one...lol!

6. Janet Jackson-R&B Junkie

Okay, NOW I'm going to get my cocky on....if you haven't heard, I'm freakin FUN!! This song is talking about lovin' music, going out, enjoying and smiling until your cheeks hurt. When I go out, especially with the right people, I am all about, as my mother would say "Haaaavvving a good time." If you have ever spent a night out with me when I was enjoying myself, I can guarantee you had a good time. The lovable side of me is a person who likes to talk (non-stop of course), drink and most of all laugh. By laugh, I mean, laughing until I have aches in my side and can only manage a half a sentence for 20 minutes straight type of laughing. I rarely take myself too seriously, and making a fool of me is never an issue. Like I said, dammit I am FUN...period....lol!

7. Janet Jackson-Damita Jo

And finally, speaking of Ms. Jackson, this song is the only song that comes close to encompassing all of the things I described above. No explanation here just listen to the words.

Until next time
Smooches;-*....I so was Regine in another life...lol!

Detroit Girl

2009-11-09T15:27:00.006-05:00

As the holidays approach I'm not sure about anyone else but I definitely start thinking of the place, no matter how long I'm gone, in which I will always call home. I think of the unique personality, dress, style and mannerisms that encompass Detroit and nostalgia sweeps over me. I see my mother singing her favorite Motown songs, my father driving that damn Cadillac for the longest time and flashy aunts, cousins and friends who were all about a fur in the cold winter wind. However, one of the things that never fails to come to my mind is Ballroomin' or as the world knows it Steppin'. Of course the style of dancing is along the same lines as what goes on in Chicago but it's a little different and when I hear certain songs I can't help but imagine a dance floor full of couples twistin' and turnin' while the single folks get a hustle going on the side (if you can picture it cool, if you can't there isn't time to explain and this post just isn't for you). Sitting here going through my iTunes today made me want to share so I thought I'd give you a few classic "get on the floor and show 'em what you got" ditties...C'mon and follow me...

1. Koffe Brown-After Party

Okay now in my opinion After Party should warrant any one getting out of there seat, stepper or not. It's just one of those songs that feels so damn good!! However, the mid-tempo allows you to ballroom it out without killing yourself, (30 and over crew that means you) so you gotta love it.

2. Jahiem-Just In Case

Again, need that mid-tempo to be smooth with it. I mean the subject matter of the video and song aren't exactly a "party it up" thing but if you're a DJ in Detroit this should definitely be in your arsenal.

3.R.Kelly-Step In the Name of Love

Okay you knew this was going to make this list, if you didn't you might be quite slow. I mean really the whole Happy People album was meant for steppin' and he did a good job because the album is perfect for it. My only issue is those directions will have you looking like a clown in real life, please do not take note.

4.Gerald Levert-Baby You Are

Okay this one may be a little more personal to me but it is definitely a good smooth stepper song, hey they were even steppin in the video. I tried to get the actual video for you all but it was a no-go. I think "DJ Don't" might also be up here but like I said I personally feel this one a little more. Gerald Levert was a great artist which was why I was a little confused with the fact that I had to turn so many people outside of Detroit on to him....and you people say you know music.

5. Maze featuring Frankie Bevelry- Before I Let Go

I could only find a live version but let's be real...you ALL know the song because not only is this a good damn steppin' song but it is the black party national anthem. It doesn't matter if the party is full of 20-somethings or 60-somethings....THIS SONG GETS PLAYED! After the intro, immediately following will be stadiums of people literally jumping up from their seats and hands going up in the air with a chorus of "That's my song!!"

Bonus: Latoya London-More

Finally honorable mention goes to Ms. London, not because this song is extremely popular ~~because it surely wasn't~~ but because I love it. In fact it was so under the radar I couldn't find a video of the song itself but I did find a video of a couple dancing to it. It takes place in Ypsilanti, MI in a little hole in the wall obviously around Christmas time. When I think of home around the holidays there is no better video to illustrate my thoughts, because no matter what, Detroit always remains in my heart in a way I never even try to explain.
Enjoy:-)

There Is No Shame In Death

2009-11-07T00:31:00.006-05:00

Yesterday through tear filled eyes and tissue I watched My Sister's Keeper. Considering the fact that I have two sisters who I not only have the privilege of sharing blood lines but friendships with; I expected to be touched. However, I was surprised I was touched not simply because I have sisters, but because I come from a family. A family with equal parts dysfunction and love. Throughout the movie I felt the many things my family has endured and continues to endure on a daily basis and how no matter the level of hurt, pain, laughter and love we continue on. Together.

During the movie one of the most distinct moments for me was when one of the characters said, "There is no shame in death". I pondered the meaning of those words a long time throughout the movie as well as when it was long over. It was a statement that carried so much weight for me. And one I feel is rarely recognized. Growing up having been a child of parents who happened to have children later in life, I had many relatives die before I reached eighteen. When death was explained to me I thought it was suppose to be a good thing. God, Heaven, painless, it all sounded good to me. Only as an adult did I understand most people fear death and through that fear find themselves avoiding those who are on the fast track to the bliss that is the realm of the spirit.

I have known people who have had cancer and HIV (two diseases I feel make people back away as they progress) and slowly watching their souls transcend did not make me look at them as any less the person they were when they were healthy. I have never been happy to see anyone pass and there are loved ones I will always miss. However, I have faith ,faith there is a God and he is embracing them. Faith is what makes me unafraid of death, I actually would say I have more of a fear of life. I don't think it's morbid to find beauty in death, which I do. I have a laundry list of things I'd love to experience before I am laid to rest, so no, I'd prefer not to leave today but when my time comes I hope God gently grasps my hand and holds me in his arms in a way no human being can or ever could.

So, when a person is venturing toward that moment, as that person is becoming closer to our Creator I have had a hard time understanding why, unless the person is contagious and you aren't ready, are they avoided or shunned. Not only do those behaviors leave a person feeling as if their time on this Earth meant nothing to you but it leaves them ashamed somehow about the disease they have no control over. Until our own time, the slow march towards death of another may just be the closest we come to God. Unless there is a fear of God's presence, our job in faith, in my humble opinion, is to show that person love, respect and peace as they make the voyage home. Not shame, fear or disgust.

Is it REALLY So Hood?

2009-11-04T17:23:00.004-05:00

I live in Southwest Atlanta also known as the "SWATS". For any one who has never lived in the Atlanta Metro Area my neighborhood is pretty much known as "the hood". When I first moved back to GA, I can recall a few times when people asked where I was living and when I told them, I got "that look". You know the look, the non-verbal equivalent of an over amplified "Yikes!!!" On most occasions I simply ignore it ~~and smile to myself thinking about the beautiful extremely spacious apartment I have at a reasonable price in a safely gated community~~. However, even with encountering and ignoring the ignorance of all of the so called "educated" brothers and sisters on the subject there are still somethings that creep into my thoughts. Today was no exception. Okay follow me.

As a means of getting a little exercise, fresh air and artist fulfillment, my honey and I took a walk around the West End area while he also took photos and I collected autumn leaves and rocks for a project. Our stroll began behind our apartment complex in a park which we only recently discovered a few days ago. The park's center is a huge pond which is surrounded by a cemented path which is encircled by plenty of trees and maybe a bench or two. It's really beautiful and I suppose we aren't the only ones to enjoy it as on our way back home there was even a man who had pulled up his truck and simply set up a camping style chair to relax near the water.

As we walked around the parks and neighborhoods, I witnessed small black owned businesses, a Boys and Girls Club with an outdoor classroom, artistic mural on one side of the building and a flower enclosed playground. There was artwork displayed in another park with beautiful unique landscaping planted along the walk way and best of all people who greeted us with smiles and hellos along the entire way.

Now I am far from delusional and I don't hesitate to admit along our walk under an overpass, it was made obvious by all of the clothing and blankets this is where many of the homeless in the area have made their home. A stroll past an old nightclub smelled of "herbal refreshments" and there were a group of young men who held post there even though the club has been closed for almost 10 years due to a fire. Hmmm...wonder what they were doing there? Maybe the many substance abuse addicts in the area can tell me.

Above I was able to write two paragraphs about all of the positive things surrounding my home without even mentioning that beyond the beauty there are hundreds of young black men and women being educated a block away at Morehouse, Spelman and my alma mater Clark Atlanta University, three of the top black colleges in the country. Instead, the focus will remain on the one paragraph I wrote regarding the less desirable.

It brings me to wonder at what point did we as black people decide it was better to abandon the beauty that is our community simply because a problem arose. Aren't there undesirable elements in all communities? Why isn't there a willingness to put effort into improving the people and the places that are you. Of course all black people do not grow up in "the hood" but it would be a lie if you said you don't have any family who live there.

I think at times, Does it feel better to live in a neighborhood where your neighbors don't speak? Does it feel better to live where the father next door is uncomfortable with your son playing with his daughter? Does it feel safer to be surrounded by those who don't look like you OR is it better to have the elderly lady who works at the soul food restaurant up the block call you "Sugar" or "Baby" and give you and your significant other a smile that says she is proud to see black love thrive no matter what the media tells her. Is it better to see boys and girls who look like they could be your own playing football outside on Sundays or coming home from school in their Catholic school uniforms on a Tuesday?

I've lived in all kinds of places with all kinds of people and I have no problem with the choices others make. I guess I just wonder.....

Complication of a Woman....

2009-10-12T15:13:00.005-04:00

It is October. The year is coming to a rapid close and holidays are approaching. For many, joyful memories are imminent and assured, even if just for those few days. However, for so many others the holidays drizzle alcohol on wounds of loneliness and desperation. Wounds that throughout the year people learn to conceal and camouflage, even from themselves. Somehow this is the time of year the scabs are picked and the wounds began to bleed. Tons of cuddle weather, family outings and couple's parties. Being that I, and many of the people in my life, turned thirty this year I have witnessed a huge surge in behavior from the beginning of this year, up to this very day and counting, which I believe is a byproduct of such loneliness and despair. Behavior that seems out of character and against all better judgement, displayed specifically by some of the women in my life. As we get older I notice the growing amount of women who have become very anguished and fearful of the thought of being alone.

I have watched women go through periods of promiscuity, begin relationships with married men and settle for men that have abused them emotionally and physically. Being in close proximity to all of the former situations has certainly given me a split perspective on the way women are viewed in relationships and sexuality. According to my morals and ethics some of the behavior I have observed warrants criticism. However, when I behold the situation in its entirety I experience more sympathy than judgement. Various behaviors automatically have onlookers grasping for terms like trifling, slut, tramp, ho and bitch without the mere consideration that these women are acting out of agony and alienation.

I know many may think it may be a tad harder for me to call a duck a duck when that duck is a close friend or family member, but the thought could not be more untrue. Being known for skimping on the sugar when it comes to the truth I have no problem stating a fact. I do however hate to brand a person with a lifelong term based on a singular case that arose from severe pain. We all make mistakes and unfortunately when a woman makes a mistake that involves sex or relationships she is then branded for life. Men make many of the mistakes that women fall prey to in their lifetimes and the insults are not rained upon him in the same fashion the thunderstorm pours upon the fairer sex. Now I am not biased and I far from believe that men are not judged harshly in many incidents in life that do not involve sex, however I do see a difference in the willingness to let a man move on from an indiscretion. A woman seems to encounter more of a "once a ho always a ho" state of mind. A young woman is taught to safeguard her reputation because a single "screw-up" can truly ruin her dreams and goals.

I think it is very easy to sum up a person by particular incident but the reality is women are a lot more layered than what is shown on the surface. I know that men can be quite complicated as well but I think the web of a woman's makeup is just very different, very unique.

Throughout life different experiences arise at different times. Timing has a profound impact on what is more important at various times in our lives. As we grow older and things slow down we all get tired, tired of being alone, tired of walking over a threshold into a cold and empty house. Fundamentally we all want someone to acknowledge our presence, someone to get excited when we've done well, someone to cry when we hurt, someone to laugh when we tell a corny joke, someone to simply hold our hand when we take our very last breath. I don't think there is a person walking this Earth who has not, at some moment, felt lonely. Because I know that feeling I think people deserve kindness and tolerance, as we all have skeletons that are dying to burst passed that closet door.

However, in closing I will also say this, women have got to stop basing their worth on whether there is a man around. Women need to learn to be okay with being alone(really we all do), and I don't mean wear it as a badge of honor while yelling at the top of your lungs about independence or believing that there is no one out there for you. Learn to appreciate your family and friends first. Find enjoyment in the children in your life if you don't have them but find yourself longing for them. Most of all have faith that you are on God's path and he will decide when you are ready. If you want the respect and the love then you really gotta do the work. God does not send blessings without it.

Perception of Evolution

2009-10-10T17:14:00.003-04:00

Back in what I believe was 2007 a viral video by the name of Evolution surfaced online....Oh never seen it? Ok....sure...we can absolutely pause for a moment of catch up...not to be confused with ketchup...corny I know but I just couldn't let it go. The corniness just keeps calling me and calling me....any who here we go...

Now although I am a huge fan of Dove's "real woman" campaign, (Love it, love it, love it!!!) I still wonder how a video like this really makes a difference. I think it really is pretty much common knowledge these days that people in the great Hollywood Hills are, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, FAKE! Even men who drink beer and watch football all day are not ignorant to the makeup, the weave, the hair coloring, the surgeries, the veneers and for what money can not fix, the airbrushing and photo shopping. In our minds, WE KNOW!!! However as the old adage goes...PERCEPTION IS REALITY. I, to this very day, hour, minute, 33, 34, 35 seconds and counting, believe this to be one of the most truthful statements ever expressed. Because although we know all of the background that goes into that magazine, television, film, picture perfect look you still gaze at the picture and think (well at least I do...hey honesty is the best policy) "I wish I looked like that"

I suppose the more Evolution and similar videos, ads displayed the better our daughters will feel about themselves. Knowledge is always ammunition in the arsenal of self esteem for many young women ~~and probably a few gay men~~. However, I can't help but fall back on logic and ask, wouldn't it make more sense to simply show women in their natural state in the first place? I guess pretty sells and if we keep pretending a mixture of crushed insects and rust (yep that is what is in your make-up) are better than what God placed upon our easels then we deserve the mental anguish associated with it. I can't say I'm ready to throw out my make-up bag and flat iron as of yet, as I am a product of a generation of women who weren't even aware of all the enhancements. Therefore, I still perceive those items as necessary embellishments. I struggle daily to embrace what is a natural part of who I am and what I portray to the world around me and for that reason I tip my hat to Dove in becoming a leader and ally for future young women in the war against drinking the kool-aid of beauty.

I Can Have Whatever I Like....

2009-10-07T15:36:00.004-04:00

Blog after blog, day after day, I noticed people love to use their personal forums to whine. Now I know I've been more than guilty of a little whimper and grumble so in breaking with the norms of the typical blog, today I'm going to tell you about somethings that I like. Now what makes what I like important...well actually nothing but it's my blog and if you don't like it then there is a seafood/soul food buffet and porn showing in the back....well not really but see how interesting my blog sounds in comparison to nothing.

1. Funk and Soul Music

My mother is a born and breed Detroiter and my father is ~~a pimp~~ the quintessential 70's black man. (Platforms, hairy chest/open shirt and Afro included...think Rollo from Sanford & Son) So growing up in my house meant plenty of Temptations, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, Bootsy Collins, Issac Hayes and Parliament. It may be nostalgic (or possibly my superb taste in music) but if my hands don't go up in the air when Mothership Connection comes on or I don't get out of my seat to do my Diana impression during Ain't No Mountain High Enough, please check my pulse because I have OFFICIALLY left the building!

2. Warm Baths/Long Showers

Considering the amount of people who end up pregnant after a thunderstorm( another one of my likes...thunderstorms not unplanned pregnancy) I know that I am not the only person who finds sexiness in God's tears. (don't act like your Grandma didn't tell you that too...I guess that makes the sexy feeling really wrong huh?) Something about laying in the tub with Maxwell blasting and a glass of Pinot Noir or standing under the water while my hair and body are drenched while Thank You by Sly and the Family Stone blares makes me feel like the world is mine. In my imagination aka my eventual motion picture based on my life this is the moment where I say "Excuse me sweetie, but can you move over because I HAVE ARRIVED"

3. Dates with my Hunnie

Okay this is your moment to hate if you'd like but I have a **swooning** Goooood Man! Our dates are always filled with laughter, sweetness and a mixture of appropriate and inappropriate touching...lol!! We really do enjoy the company of each other and have dates comparable to any you'd see in any movie or TV show. And the best part is that after it's over I get to take him home with me;-)

4. Old-Fashioned Donuts and Apple Cider

Okay so I'm from Michigan and if you're from Michigan you know that Michigan is full of apple orchards so during the fall season it practically rains apples. Well when I was a little girl I was fortunate enough to go to an elementary school that thought it would be a fun field trip every year to take the kids to an apple orchard and let them pick buckets of apples, play in the leaves and such. Now that I think of it we were really kind of cheap labor that worked for a bucket of apples. At the end of the day however we would come in side from the chilly autumn air and have old-fashioned donuts and warm apple cider. To this very day nothing warms my insides like a plain donut and warm apple cider. When living in NY I even had an embarrassing show of excitement when I found a stand that sold homemade warm apple cider in Union Square...yes it's a sickness I know.

5. Cookouts/Get Togethers

As I've gotten older getting dressed in binding clothing to pay $12 per drink and not hear the people I am talking to all night while some random keeps pretending to "accidentally" bump into my breasts for the 5th time versus a flowing sundress, a plate of ribs, my Grand Mariner and OJ sitting next to me while me and my sis RUNNNN the Spades table, ummm well the latter just feels SO much more right. I believe that is all.

6. Babies in my Arms

I admit I love the rugrats. I may not be too fond of a pre-teen girl who believes there were 25 and not 13 candles on her last birthday cake but the babies I love. When a baby or toddler falls asleep with their head against my chest I feel as if I could hold them forever. I forget that they may have just thrown up on me, the dirty diaper I had to change or the sound reducing effect their cry may have had on my hearing. All of a sudden a tuckered out toddler is my best friend and I never want to let go....until their parents come to pick them up that is.

Life or Shame.....

2009-09-26T21:44:00.003-04:00

Awakened that morning by the sun, my window was open and I inhaled the crisp air. It was an Indian summer morning. It should have been autumn weather but the sun was still shining and although the morning was pleasantly nippy, the afternoon would be warm. I dressed in jeans and a thin long-sleeve tee so I'd be warm in the morning breeze but not too hot before I checked back in for a wardrobe change at the mansion(not really but hey, a girl can dream).

I picked her up and during the drive we were in good spirits, joking and slightly gossiping about the past week's personal headlines. When we reached the building only half way surprised we saw the typical players in the saga outside with their picket signs, pamphlets, and their blaring chants of intimidation. Suddenly the tone changed. We were quiet walking up the stairs to the suite.

Inside that room were at least 20 people, but completely hushed. The only people who made an effort at eye contact or communication were the staff. They were met only with the tops of heads and the sides of cheeks as these women could only glare at the sandals they'd chosen that morning or posters on the beige walls. I noticed that even my friend and I had stopped looking at one another. The tone of the entire place was shame.

Until now I'd never thought much about the humiliation that seemed to latch on to the backs of the women who walk into abortion clinics. I sat there watching women avoid meeting my eyes and the confidence of the woman I'd entered with dissipate even though she was not a child and had made a very thoughtful decision about her life and future which as of today she does not regret. Yet, there was still shame.

Approximately 42 million abortions are performed every year with 52% of those women being between the ages of 20-24. The majority of these women are not children, these are adults who have decided this is the appropriate way to handle their state of affairs. Considering the amount of women who engage in this procedure I think it is starting to become very antiquated to associate unwanted pregnancy with promiscuity.

Sexuality is a part of love, life and being a human being but unfortunately things like rape, molestation, incest, STD's, HIV, unwanted pregnancy, adoption and abortion are all apart the unfavorable side of sex as well.

Life includes the agreeable and welcoming just as it includes the adverse and the unfriendly. I think we have all been at some time the protagonist in a story in which the subject matter grasped tightly to a nationwide stigma. So let's make a deal, the next time you feel judgement beginning to bubble over, remember that time when it was YOU and I'm going to make sure the next time I'm in one of those starring roles I won't let you make me hang my head, or avert my eyes in embarrassment for being the woman I am and making the choices I make.

I Just Wanna Be....Successful

2009-09-14T17:09:00.002-04:00

Me: Reading?
50 Cent: Yeah I ain't no crimal, I can read bitch

Okay so maybe I don't have Boyz N the Hood-esque conversations with 50 cent and of course I don't let people call me a bitch without consequences and repercussions, but I did kind of feel the above dialog looming when I recently became privy to the fact that 50 will be releasing a book with author Robert Greene. Robert Greene if you aren't aware is the author of the well known book The 48 Laws of Power. When I heard of the book I went to my nearest Borders/Barnes & Nobles and decided to pick up a copy. Well I get to the store and as with any book I skim through it to see if I really want to buy it, this is what I found:

The Laws
Law 1 Never Outshine the Master
Law 2 Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies
Law 3 Conceal your Intentions
Law 4 Always Say Less than Necessary
Law 5 So Much Depends on Reputation. Guard it with your Life
Law 6 Court Attention at all Cost
Law 7 Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit
Law 8 Make other People come to you, use Bait if Necessary
Law 9 Win through your Actions, Never through Argument
Law 10 Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
Law 11 Learn to Keep People Dependent on You
Law 12 Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim
Law 13 When Asking for Help, Appeal to People's Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude
Law 14 Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy
Law 15 Crush your Enemy Totally
Law 16 Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
Law 17 Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
Law 18 Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself. Isolation is Dangerous
Law 19 Know Who You're Dealing with. Do Not Offend the Wrong Person
Law 20 Do Not Commit to Anyone
Law 21 Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker. Seem Dumber than your Mark
Law 22 Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power
Law 23 Concentrate Your Forces
Law 24 Play the Perfect Courtier
Law 25 Re-Create Yourself
Law 26 Keep Your Hands Clean
Law 27 Play on People's Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following
Law 28 Enter Action with Boldness
Law 29 Plan All the Way to the End
Law 30 Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless
Law 31 Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal
Law 32 Play to People's Fantasies
Law 33 Discover Each Man's Thumbscrew
Law 34 Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one
Law 35 Master the Art of Timing
Law 36 Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge
Law 37 Create Compelling Spectacles
Law 38 Think as you like but Behave like others
Law 39 Stir up Waters to Catch Fish
Law 40 Despise the Free Lunch
Law 41 Avoid Stepping into a Great Man's Shoes
Law 42 Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter
Law 43 Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others
Law 44 Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect
Law 45 Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once
Law 46 Never appear Perfect
Law 47 Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop
Law 48 Assume Formlessness

Now I am not beyond believeing that these tactics work. I can absolutely see how these manuevers can propel one to power. However, I wonder....is this the only way? I placed the book back on the shelf because I found some of these approaches despicable. I, like many others want to work in a career in which I feel happy and fulfilled but I also want to wake up every morning and look myself in the mirror. I want to feel that when my day comes to leave this Earth I have no worries or remorse because I did the right thing. The right thing is a pretty subjective concept but for me it isn't this. Knowing how I feel about this type of strategy and how most people arise to the level of power and success they do, I wonder is it even possible that I can grasp happiness in that area of my life or am I doomed to the life of a corporate drone. Maybe I should just be on the lookout for "making good money" and benefits....Oy vey!

How is That Funny??

2009-09-07T08:50:00.002-04:00

Remember Maia Campbell? Wait...I'll give you a quick refresher...

Okay...all caught up?...Good. Recently a video surfaced on the Internet (unfortunately not the first) in which an obviously un-sober Maia is ranting randomly(through rumor it is said crack is her drug of choice). Now if you know more than the average Joe...oh wait she is more well known in the black community so we'll say the average Dante':-P...you know that her mother was author Bebe Moore Campbell (one of my favorites). Bebe Moore Campbell wrote a book called 72-hour hold, which was loosely based on her experience with Maia's mental illness. Just giving a little background here, now back to the video. I've seen this recent video posted a few times and usually to follow are consistent jokes and comments that range from "That is SOOO funny" to "Damn, I used to want to fuck her back in the day" and I think to myself...Really?...I mean REALLY? THIS is funny? A woman, a mother of two children, self medicating her mental illness is funny?

Knowing anything about mental illness means that you know the onset of mental illness is typically around 17-18, which is probably why no one saw this behavior when she was a young girl acting. Also, after reading the book by her mother it was obvious that her mother fought to keep her on medication and in therapy but once her mother passed away in 2006 I think this is what sent Maia off the deep end.

Mental illness is a topic near and dear to my heart and one I think should be approached with a level of sensitivity that this country has repeatedly failed to address. Reagan cut budgets for mental health facilities back in the 80s which is directly linked to the millions of homeless people you see everyday on your way to work. The consensus was that "these people should be cared for by family". Spoken just like someone who has never had to live with a person who is mentally ill. Of course these people have families but their erratic behavior and outbursts eventually leave loved ones to choose between their lives and their mentally ill loved one.

Unfortunately most mental ill people refuse medication, for several reasons. Some do not want to live with the zombie effect it sometimes has on them or the weight gain. Others like many mentally stable individuals simply have a hard time keeping up with daily medications. Hell ask all those women who forget to take their birth control pill and awoke to a crying baby this morning as a result. However, the main reason most refuse the medication is because of the stigma attached to mental illness, especially in the black community. People of color rarely will even seek therapy when such everyday occurances arise, sudch as deat, let alone take medication to control voices in their head. No one wants to be labeled "crazy", no one wants to be laughed at or ridiculed because there mind doesn't work the way yours does.

While in their un-medicated state of mind many mentally ill people really do believe that they are thinking rationally and even when they realize that something is wrong they try to calm the abnormal state of thinking with drugs and alcohol, simply because socially it is more acceptable to have a few cocktails than it is to take Zyprexa. I truly do believe that if the stigma was not attached to the illness more people would get help. It's the same reason many don't get tested for HIV or other STDs, it's the reason why a victim.....do you hear that A VICTIM!...of molestation or rape doesn't report their abuser, hell it's the reason some people won't even tell you they watch reality TV! It's easy to tell someone to be a leader, stand on your own, don't worry about what other people say...but wouldn't it really be more beneficial if we all stopped being so judgemental?

P.S. I purposely did not post the video, I don't want to be a part of promoting it. I'm sure you can find it on your own.

The Second Bedroom

2009-09-04T16:29:00.004-04:00

Newsflash!!...Now if you haven't heard I ain't one to gossip so you didn't hear it from me but I recently relocated from NY to GA.:-) (for the second time in my life....guess God has more here for me than I know) Besides the move itself I also moved in with my booooyyyyfriiiiennnd *goggly eyes and grins ensue*. So we have two bedrooms because we wanted the space, however now we have no clue what we want to do with the other room(beyond the storage status it is currently holding). Of course the suggestion of the masses is transform the room into an office. Thoughts of double glass desks and bookshelves even danced through my head (not unlike those sugar plums and candy canes) in the beginning, but then we thought about it and it didn't really make sense. His computer is in our bedroom and I just plop down with my laptop whenever I get the feelin' to...tryin' to catch those feelings off instrumentals...ooops wrong note, annnywaays, I got to thinking about a few conversations with foreign friends and the documentary Sicko in which it is more than clear that the sun isn't the only thing on a different path across the ocean.

Mentally people in Europe, Asia...hell any other place but here...glimpse the ideals of relaxation and rest oppositely than Americans. Rest and relaxation are valued and it is not looked upon as selfish or lazy to take time to oneself or to do the simple things such as sleep or enjoy life's little pleasures, while here we've become so obsessed with work that we think we all need home offices. A child's birth can garner anywhere from 8 weeks to 18 months paid leave depending on the European country. Keep in mind this is paid leave, these new mothers also typically have the option of taking more time unpaid and returning to their jobs later. Vacations in France are 5 weeks, not the standard 2 given to Americans. With all this knowledge acquired and the question swirling around in my head as to why we accept the stress the toll on our bodies and quality of life, I only have one answer,greed.

Greed made us believe that living comfortable on a combined income of over 6 figures for a plethora of families wasn't enough..you have to be a millionaire, then a billionaire. I realized not very long ago that the greedy, capitalist bug never bit me. I tried to convince myself that I needed those things but I just couldn't do it. I am perfectly okay with a 19" TV, a Camry instead of a Benz, a trip to New Orleans over Paris. I am not completely crazy now, if someone handed me a winning lottery ticket, to quote dude from Barbershop "I ain't goin' turn down nothing but my collar" but otherwise my sanity, my health and my time spent on vacations with my family, laughing at a BBQ while playing spades, or a drink with the girls after a mani/pedi on Saturday are not going to be exchanged for things that will be sold and given to Goodwill and greedy family members when I start having brunch with my Granny and Jesus...that is if he isn't too busy....every Saturday.;-)

It's the Apathy of it all......

2009-08-02T06:33:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning at 5:30 with no alarm. Although I may not be anywhere near a morning person I've always loved when I happen to wake up during this time. It's late enough for the sun to provide natural light but early enough that the rest of the world (at least on a Sunday morning) is still. I laid in bed for a while enjoying the quiet conversation God was having with my soul. I lay thinking about the people in my life eventually adding my personal soundtrack (aka my ipod)to my thoughts. Searching through the artist I stumbled upon Shirley Murdock. As We Lay has always been in my top tier of favorite songs, and as I listened to the lyrics with a woman in my life in mind I thought, this is how she must have been feeling. Coupled with thoughts of the man in my life and how much I love him, I understood. Would I have done the same thing? I really feel confidently I could say no, but I can say I understand and there is no judgement. We're all human and we're not perfect. We make mistakes.

I think I've always been the type of person that even if not at that very moment, eventually I take the time to think about what the emotions of another may be. Maybe it's why I've never had any enemies. Not everyone likes me of course but there is rarely pure hatred for me because I try to treat every one with the respect I feel a God given life deserves. It made me wonder how often others actually do this. The selfish nature within us all allows us the luxury of turning down a mental stroll in another's shoes. I can recall on several occasions when I've asked others the question, "And how do you think they feel?". I've always gotten variations of the same answer, "What about how I feel?"

As human beings we all yearn for love and attention, we all want to be acknowledged, it's why we seek relationships most of the time. We all need at least one person to let us know that we matter, that our life wasn't meaningless. I guess the eternal struggle is the balance between how much one wants to love others and be loved in return. Some people may not even care whether they teeter too far on one side of the scale or not. However, simply in return for all the blessings God has showered me with and the karma that selfishness returns, I think I'm going to try to sit as close to Lady Justice as possible, not just for my soul but my own peace of mind.

Go On and Swear, See if I Care....Ehh You Know the Rest

2009-07-27T23:57:00.004-04:00

So I just happened to be going down my long list of topics "Everyone addresses at some point" and I figured I'd pick one and give my take on it...hey I'll make it work. Therefore without further ado and in honor of Solange, Cassie, LaLa and the rest of the coiffure barren let's talk about....you guessed it....hair.

As a little girl I remember sitting my younger sister in front of my little legs and a pair of scissors with the novel idea, "Let's play barbershop". She of course had no problem with my request as I am sure she had no idea of the plan which floated through my adolescent brain. My mother at the time was gossiping and giggling away on the phone with her back turned to the two of us sitting on the floor in the hallway. I took the brush and whisked quickly through her long, thick, straight- enough-that-a-relaxer-would-never-touch-them tresses and then proceeded to pick up the scissors. I grab a huge fist full of hair and just as I was about to cut a huge patch in my sister's hair I heard my mother scream, "LEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!!" Suddenly the scissors fell and I clamored, "We were playing barbershop". At the time I really don't remember wanting to harm my sister in any way but as I look back on that incident I know it was nothing more than me acting out the frustration that I felt with my sister consistently being told how beautiful her hair was while I was left to fend off with my Wonder Woman bracelets comments like. "Well you got the color I guess it wouldn't have been fair for you to get the hair too"

Over the years I have gone from long to short to long to Red to Press-N-Curl to Weaves (curly and straight) to Braids to Natural to Locs to short to long to Brown with Blondish highlights to Black, Blow out and the longest I've ever let my hair get. I went through all these hair changes based on various goals ranging from simply wanting a change to overcome the quiet shame my hair texture made me feel. Gladly the common denominator of my hair is strength which is probably why after all those additions, adjustments and complete metamorphosis I still have plenty of hair for someone to run his fingers through;-)

Today I love my hair, now don't get me wrong I am fussy about it which is why I am and probably always will be an every two-weeker at the salon. I need my hair to be healthy and because it's longer these days I also am just too lazy to deal with it on my own. The lazy thing is also the reason I went back to a relaxer. I don't know what kind of lies the natural crew "pushers" peddle to you but they made me believe my hair in it's natural state would be Oh-So-Low Maintenance. LIES ALL LIES. I do believe that if natural hair is all you've known it may not be an issue but from someone who has had a relaxer since about 10 it was HARD...and I don't mean that in a good way;-P. However, the experience was good it helped me get over the shame and the years of thinking I wasn't pretty enough, at least in that department. Still got other issues to tackle but hey, I have no problem admitting I's a work in progress:-)

My hair journey was good for me but as I watched Tyra this morning in which they had young girls of color from 5-10 who all hated their hair, one beautiful chocolate girl who stood out the most had a blond Hannah Montana wig that she said "Made her feel pretty" and that "She was ugly without", I thought why was that journey even necessary. A little girl should have declared by someone in her life that all of her qualities whether shared or unique make her beautiful. I even wonder why as a black mother you buy your 5 year old a blond wig considering what society teaches children. I mean Miley Cyrus' hair isn't even blond...why does she even have to wear a wig on the show?

I guess all in all a little encouragement versus scrutiny would do us all some good. I make a point to let the little women in my life know that there is no such thing as good or bad hair, maybe we should all try it, you never know...a few words may make a world of difference.

You Really Can't Buy Class.....or Character

2009-07-23T08:10:00.004-04:00

I grew up middle class by most standards, not upper middle class or lower middle class....just simply middle class. I come from a family of six and for 7 years my mother pretty much had no other choice but to be a stay at home mother because no one was willing to watch 4 kids all day. Due to the size of our family money was definitely stretched a little farther than the average GM workers salary, but we weren't what I think of as poor. Our family vacations were to Mississippi not to Disneyland...but we had them. Our house went through times where the stove was used to heat the house...but it wasn't because the bill wasn't paid but because there was an old furnace that my father could only afford to repair instead of replace. We lived in a three bedroom house where everyone shared a bedroom and there was only one bathroom for all of us...but it was a house in a decent neighborhood, not the projects.

Now, you're probably wondering why I am telling you this and basically it crossed my mind this morning, while hearing and reading about discussions regarding the Black in America special, that a lot of people I know really have no clue as to how blindly pretentious they're upbringing made them. Either that or alternatively I believe some people pretend that they have separated themselves from "that world(upper echelon)" simply because these days it seems that one is deemed higher in character and intellect if they made something from nothing.

However, in pretending they didn't come from a world of fraternities/sororities, Jack&Jill and debutante balls (which for me were things that for the most part I was ignorant of until I entered college) they have created a false middle-middle class (when they are actually upper-middle class) in which they deem anyone who came from a background such as mine poor and those below my socio-economic level as non-existent or invisible. Basically so beneath them they only acknowledge them with pity in front of those they want to appear compassionate to.

Now when all is said and done I do not choose friends based on their financial situation but on the character I have witnessed in our interactions and I think a great percentage of people conduct themselves in the same way....so why pretend? If your parents were the Cliff and Clair Huxtables of the community, be proud of that, if they were Florida and James Evans, be proud of that too. I know we all define things in different ways but broke is not not being able to update your iPhone and rich isn't having a flat screen TV in your bedroom, so stop trying to fit into standards defined by the masses to look less or more privileged and just be you.

It's the Falling in Love.......Truly

2009-06-26T16:41:00.004-04:00

Considering the fact that all of the bloggers from LA to Lagos are checking in with a Michael Jackson post I thought it may be a little too cliche to write something, but honestly considering my love for not just music alone (which is undefined by words) but HIS music it would weigh too heavy on my heart if I didn't.

I honestly don't really know where to start...right now I picture in my mind a moment I once saw on television that amazed me. Mike was in the studio with a few people and he had a concept for a song. Instead of explaining he just begin making the music with his mouth, hands, his whole body was making music; you could even hear back beats that he was making with his throat and then among it all he sang!!....Even stopping the beat without you really noticing that he did to incorporate the lyrics. It was amazing!!! My eyes were glued to the screen with shock and awe. I read a comment on another blog this morning in which the person described Mike as the human emboidment of music and I could not begin to express how much I agree.

I've said this many times since yesterday afternoon but I think it is incredible how this man's life was completely and fully sacrificed for the enjoyment of the rest of the world. Of course it wasn't always his choice but it was his divine destiny. While we all remember him as the unofficial childhood friend....he never had one. When we remember those late night phone calls where Lady in My Life , The Girl is Mine and Girlfriend played in the background he never had a love of his life. All he had was music which he shared with all of us in the most unselfish and eternal gesture. Although there was a great admiration and respect for the man it was never about him simply as a human being...it's about the memories that he and his music have embedded in our souls. Music connects like no other language and he orchestrated his own unique conversation, yet we all understood.

Michael Joseph Jackson was a part of my childhood and I'll play his music until I take my last breath because of his sacrifice, because of my memories, because it makes me sings at the top of my lungs, because it makes me dance but most of all because it in it's purest form it simply makes me happy.

And because this post would not be complete without the music I will leave you with this...

May he rest in peace and unending bliss

Tipping if you got it?!?

2009-06-24T19:12:00.005-04:00

Picture it....NYC...2008:-)....one of my favorite cousins and I were enjoying facials, pedicures and sea salt scrubs. This was a particularly good day for me as my cousin was treating me to this wonderful spa-licious day of laziness and beauty. When all was fluffed and done and as B. Scott says were "winning our category", 10, 10, 10ing all over the place, we dressed and heading to the front desk where my cousin plunked down her credit card and placed cash in envelopes as tips for our fluffers (staff). This is when the most tasteless business practice I've ever witnessed took place. The woman at the front desk slide the envelopes back to my cousin and said that she did not believe the tips were enough for the services rendered. Now I have no clue how much money was placed in the envelopes but regardless...what type of place tells you to tip more?!?! Tips are optional not mandatory the last time I checked.

Also I read an article earlier today about the worst celebrity tippers and they gave examples of how much the celebrities tipped in relation to their bills and granted there were some folks that were out of line but others did tip the standard 15%, however the article stated that considering the amount these people make and how accomadating businesses are to them they should be tipping more. There was even a waiter who stated that the restaurant does not give him raises on his base salary and patrons should be expected to accomadate cost of living increases that he endures.

For all cases and points I understand that celebrities make a lot of money and typically things like spas are places where those with a little "extra padding" in their pocket frequent, but really should some one pay more for the service simply because one is enjoying the $300 dollar bottle of wine poured in the same manner as the $30 bottle or their toes painted with $60 polish instead of the $6 polish? No one is saying that the person providing the service shouldn't be tipped a fair amount but if you dine on a $700 dinner should you really have to tip the waiter an extra $150? Just seems a little extreme to me.

It just all seems to come down to greed and the idea of "who deserves it more". Celebrities make a lot of money...yes....but does that mean they are obligated to give it away to any and everybody? Giving to charity is a must, possibly even starting a non-profit/foundation of one's. own ...even better.....but passing out hundreds of dollars for the waiter who snagged a job at The Ivy because his roommate slept with the manager many moons ago...Not.So.Much. If they want to make the amount an hour that an decent attorney makes then maybe they should go get a real freakin' job. Period.

FAT or PHAT???

2009-06-21T03:06:00.004-04:00

Sooooo....I stepped on the scale today and the number hurt my feelings. I mean REALLY hurt my feelings. Now I know a lot of women wouldn't admit this but it made me ponder the effect weight may have on my relationship.

Now before I go any further I want to say my better half met me at maybe a whopping 5 pounds lighter (if that) than I am now and has no problem with my size and would love me regardless.

However I have these haunting thoughts in my head of all the women who have spoke of men having one foot out of the door after the scales tipped or women seeing perfectly fit celebrities and hearing them say things like, "And that is how she is keeping her man".

Now I don't have to shop in Lane Bryant but I am waaaayyyy out of couture range, I don't even think about picking up fitted dresses but a man stopped me on the train today and told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen (and he didn't even try to holla....simply just gave a no strings attached compliment).

So by the end of the day I starting thinking of all the real women (not the Beyonce's I don't even have a clue about) I know in really good relationships and the majority are all by societies standards "plus-size" or "overweight" women. It's actually my thinner friends who are relationship-less or in problem ridden ones. Now I am not saying bigger women know how to hold a man or that smaller women do not because that is absolutely not my point. My point is that I think we don't give men enough credit. Good men are just NOT THAT SHALLOW. Just like women can unconditionally love a man, a man can unconditionally love a woman. Now I absolutely intend on making some changes to my diet and exercise habits but it will be for me and only me because honestly those who love me don't love me because of the amount of material I wrap around my body.

Bottom line-(even if you know it continue to remind yourself) Love really is pretty blind and if you're with someone who all of sudden has 20/20 vision when age, babies and life change the physical person he met 20 years ago and he holds nothing but criticize for those alterations.....maybe it's best to cut your losses and go in search of your very own Ray or Stevie...lol!!

Ahhhhh....That's the Life!

2009-06-05T23:11:00.004-04:00

Soooo....now that all introductions are out of the way, please grab your beverage of choice (because we're all about the "beverage") and let's talk.

A few hours ago I indulged in one of my many tiny pleasures....no not that...shame on you and your gutterful wonderings (yeah I think I just made those words up). I'm talking about the recently cancelled television series "The Game". I could go on and on about how the tragic loss of this wonderfully blissful 30 minutes of my Friday night is ripping a hole into my very soul but tonight I'll as Usher says, "Let It Burn". Tonight the episode had a moment where Melanie ( the main character) was told by a patient of hers that black women tend to always play it safe in life. She described it as the "Side Part Under" way of living (basically the safe way black women wear their hair). Now being that the show is cancelled this is of course a rerun. Seeing this episode reminded me of the time it first ran and I thought how immediately after the show came to an end I received a phone call from a woman in my life who told me that I live my life "Side Part Under", mainly because I have been known to be shall we say a "Choosy Lover".

After I got off the phone I sat wondering....In what world does how many people you've slept with determine how much "life" you've lived? I have lived in several different cities while visiting more; laid across a tattoo chair to immortalize my mommy; hung out in the DJ booth with some of Hip Hop's greatest DJs; had all of my life's possessions destroyed and had to start from scratch; sang at the top of my lungs with the most special little girl that I can't wait to see grow into the most wondrous woman and last but most certainly not least....love and continued to be loved by a soul with which mine will always be intertwined, even when our spirits transcend these bodies.....and I am only 30!!! I have so much more to go God willing and this here is such a small selection of things that my heart has felt and my eyes have seen, so how is it that the I don't live?

I think we've come to a point where sex doesn't just sell, it is the way that many, especially women, have come to identify their value and worth. I am a fan of beauty AND sex...truth be told....but the amount of men willing to bed me can't possible be all I think of myself and I hope it isn't all you think of yourself. If you want to sleep with 2 people or 200, I don't find it wrong or right either way. However, while one person may define sex as freedom and living another can define it by skydiving, having a glass of wine with the love of their life on a summer night or simply watching their child cross the monkey bars for the first time. Living, in my humble opinion, at it's most basic level is just doing those things that make you happy, fulfilled and utter the words, "Now that's living!!!!

Welcome!!!!!!

2009-06-04T02:30:00.004-04:00

Well hello there and welcome!!...come on now don't be shy...grab a plate and take a seat...we have enough potato salad and pound cake for everybody. Ok so I use to blog a little in my myspace moments and I thought about it and I miss it....sooooo....I've decided to be like everyone else and start a blog. I mean I need to pretend that I'm important and have 60 billion haters too, right? Right? Ok so I decided to be lazy and put up an old blog for the first entry simply to let you know a little about me, so if you've read it before than there is an encore presentation of The Mack playing downstairs and I'll have something for you a little later but if not then go on read, comment and make merry....so without further ado I present to you...MEEEEE!!!!

As I get older and the revolving door keeps turning as to the new people who enter and leave my life I find myself always repeating the same basic facts about myself to people...so since this my little domain and I want to make you feel comfortable I thought it would be best to get the essentials out of the way so here goes........

1. I LOVE MUSIC!!!!!!!....special place in my heart for Hip Hop and Old School R&B though....I don't want to leave this Earth without being a part of a project that leaves a legacy....I don't care if I'm just the person who brings the food to the studio and gives an opinion here and there on a track......I just want to be there!!!!!!

2. Don't call me a "Nigga" or a "Bitch".....these are not terms of endearment....I don't give a damn how you want to spin it. It doesn't mean that as a black person you can't use the term "Nigga" in my presence or that I won't let it slide every now and then if you direct it toward me but for the most part it's not something I'm really cool with. My family is from the South (and I mean Alabama and Mississippi not Atlanta) and if I engage in using or accepting that word then I disregard everything they did for me. **Note** Spanish people should never direct that word toward me...I've come to terms with you using the word around me however,...I am not a native New Yorker and that shit does bother me and I will cuss you out if you ever attempt to call me that word....shit is not cute!!

P.S. Notice there is no exception to the Bitch rule...so warning...Just.Don't.Do.It.

3. I am an extremely loyal person.....If you are IN (not doing laps around or peeking over the fence) my circle then you can call me at 2:30am on a Tuesday when you know I have to be up at 5am to be somewhere because you got arrested, your man dumped you, or whatever else kind of drama has happened....you do not have to think twice about calling....I'll be there...I got you....we'll work it out. Once I feel that way about you it will always be that way...it won't matter if we lose touch or speak everyday...if you need me I'll be there....unless you cross me. There is US and there is THEM....if you're apart of my US then FUCK THEM!!!!

4. I am very and I mean VERY opinionated....I have something to say about everything, so don't ask if you do not want an honest answer. I love to learn and read so I try to have conversational knowledge on just about everything. By the way my reading will include your blogs if I see that you blog often...so if you write a few things a comment will pop up every now and then from me if I find it interesting....even if I don't know you that well. Hell if the ish is public you can stand a comment or two from me:-)

5. I do not pass judgement on anybody!.....You can tell me that you like to roll around in the snow naked at 3am while eating pancakes and I'll just ask how you fight off getting sick. We are all adults and I actually believe that you realized the consequences and benefits of your actions before you engaged in them. Who am I to tell you that you may be wrong....Hell if you were to tell me, I know I'd just say "Who gives a shit what you think!!"

6. I am pretty flirty....so don't take it personal. I like to laugh and smile and men make me do both....therefore once I am comfortable and I think you're attractive....beware I may become very touchy....lol!!...It doesn't mean that I want your phone number, a drink, or a date....and it definitely doesn't mean that I am going to have sex with you....please get over yourself....REALLY!!

7. I talk a lot and will cut you off in mid-sentence so that I can get my thoughts out...just learn to cut me back off because I don't think I'll ever stop doing it. But make no mistake I listen and watch as much as I talk....I've already sized you up whether you know it or not....I already know what kind of person you are and whether or not you will be a major, minor or nonexistent part of my life.

8. And finally....I AM MY OWN PERSON!!!......I look at people for their heart, how they treat me and how they treat others.....I know the saying goes, "Birds of a feather flock together".....however it might not be so true in my case....I have friends who are soooooo snotty and friends who are soooo hood....I love them all the same regardless of whether or not they engage in behavior or philosophies that I agree with. I date the same way....I have an ex making a six figure salary in corporate America and one in prison.....I love them all the same but I do me and I let them do them....if you choose to exit my life because I follow a different path or I keep people in my life who do not share your beliefs then you weren't my kind of people anyway.

Well I guess that is enough for now....anything else you want to know....just let me know:-)